The EXHILIRATING ACT OF STILLNESS

“Nothing without intention, do nothing without intention”, Solange’s music is blasting on in the background as I scroll through social media, hiding myself from the world.

In true ironic form, I am not being intentional. Nothing is intentional about me being glued to the constant blackhole of growing insecurities wrapped in the beautiful aesthetics of social media. Nothing is intentional about me going through page after page trying to spend more to look less so I can feel more whole. There’s no intent in the unconscious seeking of validation from people I couldn’t point out in the street on a bright Summer’s day. Nothing.

Beyond the aesthetically pleasing, Tumblr-esque visuals of what looks like self care, I don’t fill my own cup and suddenly the façade of what looked like self love starts to drop. So, I searched beyond myself to come back to myself- and that changed my life!

When we search the vast internet for definitions on what loving ourselves should look like, half of the advice is filled with judgement. If not judgement, we are met with a long list of instructions on what we have to first attain before we embrace ourselves (often paired with an expensive price tag), before we are deserving of our love. Want to be happy? Lose weight. Want to love yourself? Buy this long list of expensive things you  don’t need. Want to find self love? You have to be positive 24/7 or else you’re failing yourself. Is it even self-care if you don’t post an aesthetic picture, did it even happen?

Some forms of internet prescribed self-love can be so toxic that you don’t realise that you are pulled in, not until you start seeing yourself through filtered-coloured glasses. When you find yourself unable to recognise the reflection staring back in the mirror. 

In Sula, Toni Morrison writes that “Living totally by the law and surrendering totally to it without questioning anything sometimes makes it impossible to know anything about yourself.” To know self is to question what you are told, to exist within an identity you create for yourself. To love yourself on your own terms. And you know what? That is exactly what I decided to do.

In 2019, in the whirlwind of a tumultuous spiral into an emotional blackhole, I decided to redefine what that looked like for me. I created what I call #NourishMyHappy. What began as a transparent month of a mindful journey, in taking back time to refill my cup and finding a routine that nourished my body to replenish my source, became the continuous daily decision to choose myself. I am always posting on my social media, so how appropriate would it be to use my platform to create an accountability check-in for my journey? A month of intentional, laboured selfcare grew into a year long journey that bloomed into a sisterhood. See, in the midst of finding myself, I realised how radical it was to constantly decide to choose self, especially in a world that is so bent on defining who you are for you.How did I do it? It all started with a plate. I am constantly working, rushing, chasing some deadline of sorts, eating as I move, that I forgot to be mindful of the smaller things. You’d think as someone constantly working in a kitchen I’d have it all figured out, the irony doesn’t escape me. In the rush of everything, the simpler things for ourselves become dismissed without so much of a thought. Don’t believe me? When was the last time you ate without distraction? Where you saw your food and truly experienced each bite? Seems simple, it isn’t. I took it upon myself to have one meal a day without social media distractions, where I simply took time to prepare a plate of full and took even longer to savour it. Sometimes, this was something as simple as an apple. I danced as I cooked, sang as I plated up and smiled as I ate. Mindful, intentional, deliberate.

If I told you it is easy to love yourself, I’d be lying. If I told you it was impossible, I’d be doing you a great disservice. All you have to know is, while the road is long, the journey is a beautiful blossoming of self. Take it, embrace it, welcome it. Put as much patience into yourself as you give to others, the patience to shatter and pull yourself together again. Simply allow yourself to be and live, instead of constantly trying to look like you are living. Take time off social media, and just do what makes you happy. Try a new fruit, listen to a new song, walk on the grass barefoot… self care doesn’t need a price tag, it simply requires you to be present. To actively participate. To simply be.

In however you journey back to yourself, I hope you remember to be kind to yourself.

By Queen Finxa